How to make a Diabolical Pink Bunny
by Diabolical Pink Bunny
Summary: Take one pink bunny and add one angry Goa'uld.  Use one O'Neill to mix.
1. Chapter 1

_Disclaimer: I do not own Stargate: SG-1._

_Author's note: If you think this is strange, bear in mind that this idea came to me somewhere around 02:00 in the morning between two dreams. And my sisters are Meagra Solace and Silver Pixie. But above all, I'm married to Hubby. Sometimes I think we're all certifiable..._

**How to create a Diabolical Pink Bunny**

Somewhere out there was a world with sunshine and adventure, just waiting to be explored. But not today, and not by Jack O'Neill (with two l's). And the mere thought of it was driving him crazy.

Perhaps it would have been easier to accept if the rest of his team was here with him. But Samantha Carter, Daniel Jackson and Teal'c were off with SG-2 on the mission he should have been on – the mission he should have been leading. Unfortunately he was recovering from a bug he had picked up on a planet. It didn't seem to be contagious, but just to be on the safe side; Doc Frasier had told him to stay on base for a while. That included not going home.

No wonder Jack was bored. So now he wandered aimlessly through the base, desperately looking for something to do. He was ahead with his mission reports, he has ransacked Daniel's office for any alien inscriptions that might be interesting (there wasn't) and snooped through Sam's lab trying to figure out some of the technology (which he still didn't understand). He had thought about raiding Teal'c's room, but he had been in it before. The only things the Jaffa had in there except the furniture were a lot of candles. _Really_ a lot of candles. And if he was going to get in trouble for raiding Teal'c's room, he needed to know exactly what he was going to do with the candles to make the effort worthwhile. It still needed some consideration.

By late afternoon his meanderings brought him to the infirmary. For a few minutes he stood to one side, idly observing Janet Frasier as she worked. The good Doctor was busy with an experiment that included bunnies – lots of bunnies. As she hated harming animals, she hadn't had the heart to tag the different groups of bunnies (even the experiment was benign). Instead, she had dyed the bunnies different colours. There was a group of blue bunnies, green bunnies and pink bunnies (it should have been red, but it was military-issue dye).

Finally his natural curiosity got the better of him, and he went in.

"So, what are you up to?" he asked Doctor Frasier.

"Nothing you would understand," she said without looking up from feeding the blue bunnies.

He wandered around a bit, trying to ignore her. Finally he stopped in front of the Goa'uld tank. A single adult swam around inside.

O'Neill tapped the glass with a finger. "Nice snake you've got here," he sneered; walking back towards the bunny-pen.

But obviously the Goa'uld didn't like being called 'nice.' One moment the thing was inside the tank; the next it was flying through the air, straight at O'Neill.

Instinct kicked in. O'Neill wasn't armed, so the best he could do was to somehow capture the Goa'uld. So in on fluid movement he reached into the bunny-pen, grabbed a bunny and lifted it into the path of the flying snake.

The whole incident lasted only a moment, but when it was finished, O'Neill looked down at the creature he was clutching. It stared back. Ironically he had picked up one of the cute pink bunnies. The Goa'uld inside the pink bunny made the poor bunny's eyes glow for a moment. But it was stuck for now, and the pink Goa'uld-bunny glared at O'Neill.

Finally Doctor Frasier looked over O'Neill's shoulder at the Goa'uld. "Now what do I do with the diabolical pink bunny?" she sighed.


	2. Chapter 2

_Author's note: I really wanted this to be just a single little story, explaining my author's name (not that this story had anything to do with the real method I got that name, though). But you keep on insisting you want to know what happens to the pink bunny. Just don't expect anything that would have fit into canon, though. Remember, I thought of this late one night. In fact, the whole plot I'm developing would be better suited to Infinity (I'm a co-writer in the Infinity-R-Us group). But as I am the only one who is writing this, I have to post it under DPB. Damn, the things I'll do for the fans!_

**Chapter 2**

Though the rest of SG-1 had been off-world, they had been recalled because of the _foothold_-situation at the mountain. Well, not that anyone had as of yet explained to them the nature of the _foothold_-situation, though. But General Hammond had promised he would explain as soon as possible.

So now Major Samantha Carter, Doctor Daniel Jackson and Teal'c were seated around the conference table, along with Hammond, Doctor Janet Frasier and Colonel Jack O'Neill.

But it was a strange meeting, one which the SG-1 (of course, with the exception of O'Neill) team did not fully understand. For a start, Hammond seemed inclined to grin. Doctor Frasier seemed sullen and kept on looking down. And O'Neill sat stiffly on one of those donuts pregnant women sometimes used. He seemed slightly miffed at both Doctor Frasier and General Hammond.

"Okay, so is somebody going to explain to us about the _foothold-_situation?" Sam finally asked, referring to the situation for which they had been recalled. 'Foothold' was when the SGC had been taken over by something from beyond the stargate.

"It seems we have an angry Goa'uld loose on the base," Hammond explained. Beside Sam Doctor Janet shook slightly; refusing to meet anyone's eye.

"A Goa'uld?" Daniel asked, suddenly very much interested in the conversation. "Which one?"

"You wouldn't know him," Jack O'Neill said, sneering.

"Perhaps I might," Teal'c said with a slight raising of an eyebrow.

"Oh, I doubt that," O'Neill said, looking uncomfortable. Teal'c cocked his head and O'Neill knew he had lost. "Fine," he finally said, "it's a Goa'uld named Fluffy."

Janet Frasier shook even harder, but now the rest of them could clearly hear she was trying to muffle her laughter. Sam looked at her, but the Doctor refused to look up.

Teal'c cocked his head even more. "You are correct," he slowly said. "I am unfamiliar with that name."

"Fluffy?" Sam asked.

"Yeah," O'Neill replied.

It was then that Daniel frowned at O'Neill. "I couldn't help but notice,' he asked the older man, "but why are you sitting on a donut?"

"The Goa'uld bit me!" the Colonel snapped.

"In the butt?" Daniel asked incredulously.

"I am unfamiliar with that Goa'uld tactic," Teal'c frowned.

Before anyone could answer, Janet Frasier stood up and slowly walked to Hammond's office. With as much dignity as ever she opened the door and went inside. But even the closed door could not muffle the sound of her laughter.

But Hammond has had enough – even though he looked like he wanted to laugh as much as Janet Frasier.

"Oh, for goodness sake," the General exploded. "O'Neill managed to get a Goa'uld inside one of Doctor Frasier's pink bunnies. And then he somehow managed to let it escape," he added.

"Hey, you try hanging on to a squirming Goa'uld-infested pink bunny," O'Neill defended himself, waving a finger at everyone.

"It bit you in the butt?" Daniel repeated.

"Yeah, it's a very diabolical pink bunny," O'Neill answered. Obviously Janet Frasier had heard that last remark, for her hilarity increased.

"Why is the bunny pink?" Sam asked, trying to stay calm. But in all honesty, she had the urge to go and join Janet inside the General's office.

"It's part of an experiment Doc Frasier is doing," O'Neill explained, his dignity in tatters. "There are blue and green bunnies as well."

"Would another colour bunny not have been more appropriate?" Teal'c asked. Even though the Jaffa seldom smiled, it was obvious he was enjoying the moment.

"I didn't really have time to pick a colour!" O'Neill snapped.

Teal'c raised an eyebrow _and_ cocked his head.

"Why don't we just concentrate on finding the Goa'uld?" Hammond interrupted. He handed them each a photo-shopped picture of a pink bunny. Someone had added glowing eyes and a zat strapped to the creature's back. Personally O'Neill thought the whole idea was unnecessary and probably at his expense.

"Yes...sir," Daniel said while squinting with his glasses – an obvious sign that he was as amused by the situation as the rest of them.

Finally Hammond left the room and went down to the control room. O'Neill followed – limping slightly.

The General's door creaked open and Janet looked out. With a very straight face the came out and told them:

"And then I had to give him a rabies-shot on the other side of his butt." But the laughter won and she broke down once more. And this time the rest of them joined her.


	3. Chapter 3

_Author's note: Have you ever tried catching a bunny? Just a regular, run of the mill not-Goa'uld-infected bunny. Ask Elmar Fudd: it's not easy catching wabbits..._

**Chapter 3 (because I have to)**

General Hammond walked through the mountain base. Beside him limped Jack O'Neill. To be honest about it; at this moment in time Hammond wished the bunny had bit more than just the Colonel's butt. This diabolical pink bunny was causing more trouble than an infestation of Replicators!

As they walked through the hallways, Hammond couldn't help but notice the numerous scorch-marks decorating the walls. Even though they were using zat-guns, the damn things still left big black blossoms on the wall.

Just as they neared the T-junction, the pink bunny came bouncing by. For a second it glared at Hammond and O'Neill; its eyes glowing. Then it passed. But right on its tail – excuse the pun – came a group of marines: zats blasing. Or rather: pzew-ing. New scorch marks joined those already decorating the walls, floor and ceiling. Hammond didn't even want to know why someone shot at the ceiling, though.

"Colonel O'Neill," the general began.

"Yeah, I know," O'Neill said with a scowl. "This isn't working too well."

"No, it isn't," Hammond barked. "And you had better come up with a better plan ASAP!" he added as another group of marines ran by – chasing goodness knew what. Not the bunny, that was for sure. And obviously O'Neill had the same thought, for he leaned around the corner and yelled:

"Hey, the bunny went the other way!" As one man the soldiers skid to a halt, turned around and thundered back the way they had come. Hammond only shook his head. This was more than a disaster: it was a Laurel and Hardy disaster.

Just then Sam Carter and Daniel Jackson joined the two men at a run.

"Sir, I have an idea on how to capture it," Sam informed them.

"Yes, but is it fair towards the bunny?" Daniel asked.

"If this works, the bunny would be unharmed," Sam informed the scientist.

"I'm just saying: we shouldn't harm the bunny," Daniel loftily replied.

Hammond suddenly wondered if he hadn't in fact stepped through a wormhole and ended up on the set for Laurel and Hardy – with guns. "What are you talking about?" he barked. He was very good at barking.

"Well, I think I can capture the bunny using the stargate as bait," Sam explained her part of the conversation. "We send a team through with a net, Sir. Then we shut down the gate and pretend we're going on a mission. Hopefully the bunny will follow us and be caught on the other side."

To Hammond this seemed like wishful thinking. He turned towards Daniel. "And what's your problem with the idea?"

"Well, I'm fine with this part of the plan. But when we capture it, we will probably try and remove the Goa-uld," the Doctor replied.

"And why do you have a problem with that?" Hammond wondered.

"Well, the bunny is innocent," Daniel started. But then he smiled ruefully. "And it's one of the bunnies Doctor Frasier was testing on. She'd hoped that particular bunny would prove her theory. She really wants it back."

"It's still just a bunny," Hammond frowned, perplexed at Daniel's attitude.

"It's the bunny with the GR-79 in its system," Daniel explained.

"That's the stuff you found last week on..."

"PX-902," Sam finished for the General. Hammond nodded. It was an important experiment.

"Okay," Hammond finally decided. "Major Carter, you capture the bunny. After that we'll decide what to do with it."

"Yes, sir!" Sam exclaimed. As she – along with O'Neill and Daniel – turned to go, Teal'c came down the hallway with that big canon he had converted into a hand-held weapon. He had a very determined look on his face.

"Hold on a second there, son," Hammond halted the Jaffa. "You cannot blast the bunny with that thing!"

Teal'c stopped and turned his head sideways; thinking. "It is a Goa'uld," he simply replied.

"Yes, but you're going to bring the whole mountain down on our heads with that thing!" Hammond suddenly wondered if it wasn't too late to call in sick for the day.

Finally Teal'c inclined his head and went to put the dangerously big blaster away. Really! Sometimes he wondered if his heart could take the strain of commanding this mountain.


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 5**

They were running – again. And suddenly this seemed eerily funny to O'Neill. So far – if he was keeping score correctly – they had crossed one mini-desert, rushed through a forest and were now chasing across a meadow. They were tired and grumpy, yet their target remained always just a few hops in front of them.

The idea with the stargate and the net had worked beautifully. SG-2 had gone through earlier and left the extra-strong, extra-big net on the other side. Then all of them had made a big thing of not making a big thing about SG-1 going on an off-world mission. The bunny fell for it and on queue had jumped through the stargate – right into the net. But somehow things had gone bottoms-up after that and the Goa'uld-bunny had escaped – with an entire world to run about in. Therefore the unending chase across the desert, through the forest... The only thing that gave him hope was that this frustrating chase could not last forever.

He was right. Within minutes the running and chasing came to a halt as all of them suddenly found themselves bogged down in – well, a bog. Even the bunny was stuck – frantically trying to swim while grinning fanatically.

Wait, grinning? Could bunnies grin? And if so, _why_ was the damn bunny grinning? He must have said that out loud, for suddenly Carter was rattling off a bunch of nonsense he just _knew_ was an explanation he was supposed to follow.

"The pink bunnies were part of the group subjected to the intensive hypothalamus stimulation through the use of..." she explained. O'Neill glared at her.

"Carter!" he barked.

Fortunately she knew him well enough by now – in fact, it had become part of a routine with them – to stop the scientific jargon and to simplify the explanation. "It's a permanent and very strong anti-depressant, sir," she explained. She seemed miffed at the fact that he had once more ruined a perfectly sound explanation, but somehow this did not bother him. He suspected she secretly got a kick out of the whole ritual.

He thought about her answer for a moment. Then he scowled at her – again. "You mean it's a happy-drug?" he asked with a slight shake of his head; almost as if he couldn't believe it.

"Well, yes, sir," she said, tightening her lips slightly, letting him know she was annoyed – either because he was acting 'dumb' (her description) or because she couldn't believe _he_ didn't believe it. Ah, damn.

The bunny had finally managed to figure out how to swim in a bog, and was now paddling over to them. Now he could hear a distinct giggle as the Gao'uld taunted them.

"Whose bright idea was this, anyway?" he suddenly asked.

"Well, sir, yours," Carter told him. She scowled at him and he was reminded of the fact that even though she was a kick-ass girl, she was still a _girl_. She must really hate the mud gushing into their boots. No wonder she was miffed.

"Mine?" he asked with only slight mock-innocence.

"Yep, you were the idiot who put the Goa'uld in the pink bunny," Daniel reminded him. The scientist splashed around a bit; trying to grab the giggling bunny.

"Idiot?" O'Neill echoed.

"I believe Daniel Jackson is correct in his assumption," Teal'c calmly informed him. "You were indeed the 'idiot' who caused the Goa'uld to be in the happy bunny.

Suddenly O'Neill has had enough. Somewhere from beneath the muck he pulled a dripping Zat-gun. With a single shot he Zatted the bunny. "There, take that," he grinned.

#####

They were clean once more and gathered around the conference table. Along with SG-1 there were General Hammond and Doctor Frasier – and the giggling bunny in a very strong cage.

"So, Doc," O'Neill said, pushing the cage in her direction, "it is all yours. You get the Goa'uld out of the bunny."

Janet glared at him. "And how do you propose I do that without killing the bunny?" she asked, as miffed at him as Carter had been only half an hour ago.

"It's just a bunny," O'Neill replied, aware this was not the answer she had hoped for, but unable to see what else would work.

"It's a bunny," Daniel interrupted, doing that folding-and-unfolding of his hands – along with the squint – which was his way of letting O'Neill know the answer was obvious, and if he – O'Neill – couldn't see that, he must be an idiot.

"Yeah, it's a bunny with a Goa'uld in it," he vehemently replied.

"You. Will. Not. Touch. My. Bunny." Janet piped up. She has gone beyond miffed into unknown and fearful waters of anger. O'Neill prided himself on being a brave man, but he was not brave enough to enrage her any further.

"Okay," he slowly said, "but now what do we do with it?" The bunny giggled once more. "How long is that happy-stuff going to last?"

"That's what the experiment is all about," Janet said, only slightly calmed down. "It appears to be permanent, but it only affects a number of subjects. This was the only bunny with which it has had any effect."

"You mean it's gonna continue being happy?"

"As far as we can tell, yes," Carter piped up.

"Well, that's going to be annoying," O'Neill grumbled.

"Indeed," Teal'c replied.

And then they suddenly had a brainwave. It was scary, but O'Neill _knew_ that Teal'c had the same thought as he did at the same moment. They grinned at each other, then looked at the bunny. Their grins were not nice.

"What now?" Hammond finally asked. He had been unusually quiet during the whole session.

"Just imagine how much fun it would be negotiating with a Goa'uld..." O'Neill began.

"...With the giggling pink bunny along as warning to all about the possible fate awaiting them should they come near earth," Teal'c finished. Perhaps not exactly the way he would have put it, but close enough, O'Neill thought. He could just imagine them in front of a Goa'uld with the bunny in one hand; giggling. And then it would flash its eyes and the other Goa'uld would know one of them was trapped inside a fluffy pink bunny.

O'Neill sat back and grinned as the conversation flowed around him. He put his hands behind his head. Sometimes, even though there might be muck involved, life in the SGC could be very sweet.

**The End**

_Author's note: I really wanted to kill the bunny, really. But Hubby put on his sad puppy-eyes when I mentioned it, and instead it became a mascot. Not exactly what I had in mind, but then again, I didn't plan on the story having more than one chapter, either. And the next bliksempie that asks me to write another chapter, will receive the full wrath of the bunny!_

_Enjoy your day, mwa-ha-ha-haa!_


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